"I'm leaving here dead or alive"

I'm caught in a hurricane. I'm leaving here dead or alive. And I know that I'd be willing to feel the pain, if it got me to the other side. 

Those are words from one of the songs by Theory of  Deadman I am too familiar with (you can listen above). There is always a song, that I listen to, and somehow relate to my life. Now, I doubt that they wrote this song about a struggling PhD student... but you never know. Regardless, it pins down to a tee exactly how I feel lately.

The tropical storm (hurricane) that I am stuck in is undoubtedly my PhD. It's been about 2.5 months now since I started and it has been, and will probably remain, an uphill battle. I am sure that every student goes through this. The awkward pre-comps phase where you have no idea what you are doing and would much prefer to crawl in a hole and never come out. I can't wait for this phase to be over. Although, it's funny how no matter what stage you are in of your research, you are excited to get there, until the high wears off and reality sinks in. I remember so vividly writing up my MSc thesis thinking I can't wait to start thinking of a PhD project. BOY do I regret that one now!!! Karrrrma!

What surprises me, is that I am actually not THAT down about it. I am more stressed about it then depressed, which in my world is a good thing. I have this mentality, that eventually, I want the impossible, a job in Academia (in the unfunded Natural Sciences) and thus, I will stick with this until it literally kills me. If it does kill me, well it was a good try I guess.

I never thought my MSc would kill me. The main difference is that now, I do so many other things that aren't research related and it's easy to get side-tracked. And then, research comes back into the picture, it is usually the middle of the night, and then it consumes me. I think I have blogged before about finding a balance, and that is still something I am desperately trying to balance.This blog is actually me taking a break from the brutal poster marking I have been doing all day - and should get back to!

Ironically, it looks a bit like a hurricane hit my desk.