How is it 2 PM?

Yesterday was a fairly productive day for me...shocking I know. So today I am compensating for that, which I really shouldn't be doing at all. I have been at the lab for about 5.5 hours now, and accomplished next to nothing. I have been doing a bunch of busy work like typing up meeting minutes, setting up the Biograds Moodle site, photocopying and filling out a scholarship application. I just set out my lunch of chicken keilbasa, cheese, crackers and vegetables to "take a break"...as if I need one.

My new stuff

I ordered a bunch of stuff off of amazon on Tues night and it arrived yesterday but I missed UPS so picked it up this AM. My two new mice, my USB port extender and my pre-ordered Galapagos book all arrived. I was pretty excited. Half way through the morning I could hear a jingling behind me and suddenly a chocolate lab was sitting behind me. She came under my desk, sat for awhile, sniffed the garbage can. I took her out in the hall and in due time, Shelley, a faculty member came to claim her. Was a nice mid-morning surprise.

Gracie, my visitor, checking out my breakfast wrapper in the garbage

I guess I should do something... ANYTHING. Sometimes I seriously amaze myself. I accomplish nothing, but am never actually doing nothing. Quite the phenomenon!

One of those good moments

Last night, I had a chat with an older woman at the library, who seems to have adopted me as her granddaughter. She started her PhD, which was in the Philosophy of Learning, in her 50's. We were talking about how hard it is to get through a PhD and the ups and downs of the journey. Hers is actually undefended for a slew of unfortunate reasons. Anyways, I was talking about how lately it has been an uphill battle, just making it through day to day. It's been almost 3 months of it. And she said, well, you know your're doing the right thing if at least part of the time you doubt yourself and think what the hell am I doing? But there are always going to be those moments when you know you are doing the right thing. When you are so consumed in your research because you love it or, when you discover something, read something or figure something out  that you have been working on.

Today was (sadly) the second time that has happened in 3 months, but at least it happened. I have been working on the data analysis for my recruitment project (the data I collected throughout the fall). Today after hours of fiddling with the spreadsheet, ratios, log transforming variables, double checking all my data and addition, came that gut-wrenching moment when you put the data in to run your tests. First I had plotted the scatterplot and after that I knew. I could tell it was obviously a negative trend, I could even see it was significant. What are the chances? Obviously, I spent the next few hours trying to figure out if I somehow screwed this up, but I don't think I did. It's real. Pretty crazy, smaller plants are recruiting more offspring for the future generations than larger plants are, relative to other species. Makes me excited to get my MSc written up and submitted for publication.

I have lots of more work to do, and now 5 project ideas to develop, package together nicely, and decide what my proposal will focus on, and what parts of my project can be completed as an undergraduate thesis and then collaborated with for my dissertation.

Teaching the computer basics course at Isabel Turner

This is not the picture I wanted but one of my TBBT sessions with Lonnie

Check Mate. Game over.

Trying to get back into things

I am pretty sure that I have blogged a lot in the past about how I like routine. I like to get into habits, and I like to stick with those habits. This whole academic term so far has made that utterly impossible. I know what hours I am at the library every week and I try not to change that. I meet with my supervisor at the same time every Wednesday. Coffee time, meetings, office hours, I have those all permanently scheduled in and I try not to change them.

These past 8 days or so now have been tough. My routine was totally broken. And now I need to find a way to get back into one.

I guess your question may be, why was the routine so broken? Well, I had family visiting over the past week, some would come, then more would come, then some would go, then more would come. It was exhausting, but so worth it. I love when my family comes here and gets to experience my life first hand. And we got to do a lot of things too.

My Mom, sister and I went to KHS on Friday night for a midnight madness event, in which the KHS was open until midnight, and wanted to get as many cats adopted as was possible. They ended up getting 28 cats adopted, and the final adoption, of an older black cat Ashra, left all of the KHS followers on Facebook on edge. Thankfully, someone came through an adopted him just after midnight. It was a huge success. I got to show my Mom and sister the society and they held and played with a lot of the cats that were there. I think it is overwhelming at first for anyone, I know it was for me, and for both of them, but so worth it.

On Saturday, I took them to the Common Ground, for the famous Top Secret Bagel. We then walked around some stores downtown, looking at all of the Christmas stuff and had lunch at the Toucan, a pub in downtown Kingston, and used the gift certificate I had won for there in the Big Paws at the Point live auction in August. They also checked out the Farmer's Market and experienced the wonder that is Wolfe Island Bakery. Then we headed home to watch Elf (Fave Xmas movie) and then to the Kingston Santa Claus parade- a night time parade that runs down Princess St. It was long, and cold, but a lot of fun. In my 6 or whatever years here I have never gone outside and watched the entire thing. I used to be able to see it from my window when I lived downtown on Princess.

Foster kitten Rosie

Sunday came, and this was my last chance to get out to QUBS. I needed to go to QUBS because I had some stuff to make sure was good to go for the winter. My Mom and sister tagged along. It was unfortunate because at this time of the year, there is nothing really nice to see there. All of the leaves have fallen, and there's no snow, everything is just blah. But I think they enjoyed seeing what QUBS was and what it is that I always talk about. We prepared a few things for a big dinner on Monday night and I took them to see my friend Kari's foster kittens. They are SO cute.



On Sunday night, I found out my Poppa was really sick and him and my Nana couldn't make it to Kingston. I was disappointed but I knew it was for the best that he not come. My Dad came up Monday though, and we had an awesome dinner of beef stew and chicken sandwiches that we prepared the evening before. We then went shopping around the Riocan for awhile and I got a 4 foot Christmas tree from Michaels, and two new fish for my tank (I only had 2/6 left, it was looking a bit too empty in there). Then we all watched Christmas with the Kranks (2nd fave).

2 new dalmatian lyretail Mollie fish: Spot and Sally

Little Xmas tree all lit up

Tuesday rolled around, the day of my Convocation, the reason everyone had come up. We got to campus early to get a good parking spot and then headed over to Grant Hall at 9AM. I got my gown and hood and was lucky that my friend Sarah, whom I have known since first year, was right behind me in the procession. Everything went smoothly.

We had a guest speaker, Gerretson Trudeau (of the comic strip Dunesbury), who also received an Honourary degree. He gave an amazing speech, that was very witty including this great joke:

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth" 
"you need a psychiatrist not a doctor"

"I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on...."

My Mom and sister headed home that afternoon, so my Dad and I toured around Kingston a bit. We checked out the new FarmBoy grocery store that opened, and went for a nice walk at Lemoine Point, a local conservation area. I showed him how to get Chickadees to land in your hands (they overwinter there) and we got followed by one very fat and oddly friendly squirrel for most of our walk. We had a great dinner at my favourite Greek restaurant, Minos, and then went to see the movie Argo. It was amazing. After seeing it we decided that, we had to sneak into the Convocation ceremony the following day, which featured guest speaker and Honourary degree recipients President Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn Carter. It was incredible. He may not have been the most well-liked President, in terms of his policies, etc. but he is one HELL of a good person. Him and his wife are unbelievable humanitarians. He gave a wonderful speech about all the things he has done, and his wife spoke about taking time to give back before you really get tied down. It was so ironic as he also brought up the movie Argo, and expressed that he was disappointed with the movie because it made the Americans look so heroic, when it was really Canada that did everything. That experience is one that I know I will never forget. My Dad left that afternoon and then I drove to Napanee to visit with my friend Sarah (different one) and have tea.

The next day, Thursday, I was back in the lab, trying to get stuff done. I really didn't. At all. my brother was due to arrive that evening so I knew I had a tight time frame to work with but that didn't seem to motivate me. I did some things, but could have done more. My brother arrived late in the afternoon with his friend Steve. We were all going to a concert that night and they were going to stay overnight at my place. We had dinner at Texas Lonestar Grill and then headed over to the concert at about 6:45, the doors opened at 7. We had GA tickets so we stood right at the front. By right at the front I mean NO ONE was in front of use, except for Security of course. Big Wreck was the opening band and they were awesome. Then Theory of a deadman took the stage at about 9:30. I have been a fan of theirs for years, but this summer especially I have  been on a TOADM kick. The show was awesome. We were in front of the speakers though so my hearing is just now, 2 days later, back to normal. We got home around midnight, and went to bed shortly after. I had to work in the morning and they wanted to fish so everyone left pretty early.

I have to say that after typing that I realize why I am so tired now. 

"I'm leaving here dead or alive"

I'm caught in a hurricane. I'm leaving here dead or alive. And I know that I'd be willing to feel the pain, if it got me to the other side. 

Those are words from one of the songs by Theory of  Deadman I am too familiar with (you can listen above). There is always a song, that I listen to, and somehow relate to my life. Now, I doubt that they wrote this song about a struggling PhD student... but you never know. Regardless, it pins down to a tee exactly how I feel lately.

The tropical storm (hurricane) that I am stuck in is undoubtedly my PhD. It's been about 2.5 months now since I started and it has been, and will probably remain, an uphill battle. I am sure that every student goes through this. The awkward pre-comps phase where you have no idea what you are doing and would much prefer to crawl in a hole and never come out. I can't wait for this phase to be over. Although, it's funny how no matter what stage you are in of your research, you are excited to get there, until the high wears off and reality sinks in. I remember so vividly writing up my MSc thesis thinking I can't wait to start thinking of a PhD project. BOY do I regret that one now!!! Karrrrma!

What surprises me, is that I am actually not THAT down about it. I am more stressed about it then depressed, which in my world is a good thing. I have this mentality, that eventually, I want the impossible, a job in Academia (in the unfunded Natural Sciences) and thus, I will stick with this until it literally kills me. If it does kill me, well it was a good try I guess.

I never thought my MSc would kill me. The main difference is that now, I do so many other things that aren't research related and it's easy to get side-tracked. And then, research comes back into the picture, it is usually the middle of the night, and then it consumes me. I think I have blogged before about finding a balance, and that is still something I am desperately trying to balance.This blog is actually me taking a break from the brutal poster marking I have been doing all day - and should get back to!

Ironically, it looks a bit like a hurricane hit my desk. 

Photo BLOG!

Little buck hanging out in the woods at QUBS

Rosie, one of Kari's new foster kittens

Rosie and her tiny paws

Rosie's sister Lola

My thesis in all it's glory

Gulab Jamun (Indian dessert from the Indian Booth
at the Queen's Farmer's  market)

Best fresh raspberries ever

Pretty evening sky

Biograds fundraiser (beef stew-pre cooking)

Beef stew cooked

Intense wipe board session with Lonnie

Gemma, beautiful german sheppard at KHS

Kittens at KHS

Busy remembrance day service at the water.

Re-entering the blogosphere

I took another long hiatus from blogging. Life seems to have given me more, and more work, and fewer hours in the day (not really, but it seems like it). As I write this I am eating cabbage rolls (with dill-sour cream, my new fave) and waiting to teach my class at the library tonight. I can't say I am excited about it, but it could be worse. I have done so many of these in the past few weeks it's exhausting.

This week is poster marking week for the course that I TA, which means marking ~ 120 posters in a  week. My deadline, however, falls on Friday at 4:30 PM. On Friday afternoon my Mom and sister arrive from Brantford to spend 4 days with me. I am SO excited. And then on Monday my Dad, his parents, and my Mom's Mom are all arriving out of Burlington. My graduation ceremony (from my MSc) is on Tuesday at 10AM. I have taken Mon-Wed off of everything to give them my full attention (they should feel a little privileged  rarely does anyone or anything get my full attention for that long). I am happy they will be here for the post poster-mark reveal time, as it will distract me from the angry emails from students who are "only getting 85%" on their assignment.

Everyone will be gone by Wed afternoon next week, and then it will be a long time before I see anyone.... Actually... it will be about 12 hours. My brother and his friend are driving up from Smithville to visit (and see Theory of a Deadman in concert with me) on Thursday night.
I LOVE THEORY OF A DEADMAN.
I hope I made that very clear. SO excited.

My plans for the weekend are to take my Mom and sister to the Kingston Santa Claus parade on Saturday night, do a bit of shopping, take them to QUBS to see my field site for the first time ever, use my gift certificate I won at the live auction for the Toucan, visit Kari's tiny fosters, take them to KHS, amongst other things I am surely forgetting.

My next few days and nights will be filled with marking. One of the few things I dislike about teaching...assessment. Gross. Marking, and cleaning my apartment to make it accessible to others. I somehow make the BIGGEST mess at home, and it makes no sense because at least 4 days of the week I am not home for well over 16 hours of the day.

This blog is in two parts. I just finished teaching that course and how EXHAUSTING. Such a tiny room (I got booted from the big one). It seats 4. So with 6 people, and myself as the 7th, it was cozy to say the least. Everyone gets along so well at these sessions though, and its a great work environment for everyone. Anyways, I am going to have a little dinner then head to bed, I think. I have been getting up at 5am recently and I don't even really mind it!!

A blogging hiatus

I haven’t blogged in nearly a week, and shame on me for that. You already know the reason why—I was busy. I won’t woah is me about that here though, I mostly do that to Colleen on facebook anyways. I have kept busy this past week and weekend doing a number of different things.

Last weekend I headed out into the field and it was cold…no it was freezing. I can’t tell you how happy I was to finish my field work. That being said, I think I have missed some plots, and plan on dragging my Mom and sister out there next weekend (bet you guys didn’t know that!). There really isn’t much to see up North of Kingston anymore. The leaves have all fallen and the barren trees line the roads. Many fallen trees clutter the ditches as a result of the recent high winds and Hurricane Sandy. In October, you would see tonnes of deer lining the roads, and the open fields. They would stand out against the bright fall colours. Now, they are well-hidden amongst the shades of brown and grey. We did see a couple of little bucks grazing in the ditches but that was it. When I got how from the field it was hard to shake that chilled feeling, but with a combination of the heat being on, many blankets and a fat, friendly cat, I warmed up.

On Sunday my friend Kari got two new foster kittens,  4 week old sisters, Rosie and Lola. I was shocked they are SO small. Ugh…I love them. They’re so sweet, I can’t wait to go see them again soon, I hope they haven’t grown too much in a week.

Earlier this week, I taught a few classes at the library and worked a lot in the lab. I have been struggling with project ideas for awhile now. I HAVE ideas… I just have a hard time envisioning how I would ever make that project happen. I spent this morning covering our white/wipe board in stuff. That is about all I can say it is… is stuff. There is no theme, or organization, it’s just a bunch of ideas, facts, definitions—a smorgasbord of stuff.  I am meeting with my supervisor this afternoon to try and work through some of these thoughts I have. Maybe later this evening I will blog about that (but realistically I won’t). My volunteer was also here this morning and finished all my data entry. I was so happy, she is awesome. Once I have all of my samples weighed I will have her do that for me as well. So glad I went ahead and got her involved in this.

Tonight I am headed downtown to pick up my Dad’s Christmas gift that I specially ordered. Sorry Dad, I know you read this, so that’s as much information as you’ll be getting out of me. Then the BEERS seminar series is starting up again for the year. It’s a weekly (Behaviours, Ecology, Evolution, research seminar) where Grad students can present their research in an informal atmosphere, with their peers, not other faculty. After that, we have to make stew. We sold chili and raised a tonne of money for Biograds, so tomorrow, we are selling stew! Only thing is we have to figure out where, when and how to make it and we won’t be starting until at least 8:30.

Anyways, for now I am off to the Farmers market for now!

My first blog as a 24 year old.

The Halloween event the Biograds planned was a success. I also was surprised with a birthday cake and my first blowing out of candles/singing of Happy Birthday in probably ten years. I am sooo lucky to have such good friends in the department that went out of their way to do that.

Anyhow, I have kept busy this whole week and barely blogged at all. Crazy how time flies. I have kept busy with teaching some classes, working through my lit reviews, hanging out with my little sister and biograds events stuff. Now I am just BEAT. I need to do field work all weekend too. This better be the last time. I will write a more meaningful blog when less exhausted.

For now, check these out:

Birthday cupcakes!

Free drink!

Our EEB room decorating

Inside the EEB room. Very scary- especially those baby skulls hanging beside
the screen! This legit took us an hour to do.

My surprise cake! Steph caught me at the wish moment

Ugh. He's too cute.

My amazing gifts from little sis!